Finding Peace...

Writing unscrambles my thoughts; especially when I feel I am stumped and needing direction, clarity and self discovery. I am enlightened again. I'm having one of those “aw ha” moments when everything seems to just click.

Self affirmation is powerful, it is not a toot of your own horn, rather a subtle reminder in continued support for greater achievement. I continue on my journey with confidence, I am not crazy and I am not a victim in my life. I am steering myself in the direction of my goals, desires and dreams. I do not need permission to seek my passions or happiness. I must acknowledge I simply lost sight of my path, yet again. I have hope, the fog has lifted. Self talk... In reality we must all have a frequent checkup and maybe a tune-up. Life maintenance is nothing like overhauling an engine, more like a belt adjustment or replacement. So, buckle up, we are heading north.

Last Friday I found a must read self-help book, "Real Life; Preparing for the 7 Most Difficult Days of Your Life" written my Dr. Phil McGraw. Seriously, being prepared and having resources at your fingertips in the face of a challenging day will save you from the wreckage. I’ve had firsthand experience both as the driver and as a passenger. The wreckage is a travesty. Dr. Phil put it so well, you will survive or you will not, it is your choice to be prepared. It’s amazing how useful the book is for me “post crisis”. I bought the book to skill build and something to blog about. Little did I know, I would be helped in the process. Bonus for me!

Let me rewind to 17 years ago. Obviously, I did not die, at moments I felt like dying would have been easier for me, not my family though. I fell into the victim mentality and lived a fear based life as a result. Clearing all the years of wreckage proved to take time and plenty of patience. I’ve slipped back into old comfortable patterns and I’ve taken an occasional wrong turn. It isn’t as easy as having GPS and all the answers. The course I’m on is mine! The mistakes or setbacks I make are mine! The time it takes me to get to my destination is mine! The end rewards are MINE!

The journey we are on… that I’ll share… You never know, you might face a day like this yourself! I will warn you, it is deep and might be troubling for some. It is sad, but it is far more encouraging and uplifting!

This is a tissue alert!

A day of wreckage in my life, it was 1993 and her name is Tricia. My co-worker and dear friend brought a gun to work, a planned restroom suicide. I saw HELP screaming from her silent face. The look was familiar. I confronted Tricia. If you know me you know my sensors and know that I stick my head out. Sure enough, this day was not a safe day. My fear of guns is intense, so I made sure I didn’t SEE it. I got Tricia to the hospital, an all day event. I resourced my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my bag of tricks-my ability to communicate, show compassion, empathy, I had her trust.

To this day, I don’t know why I chose to do what I did or handle it the way I did. She had the gun; I didn’t feel like a victim or hostage, in fact I wasn’t either. But, I didn’t see myself as a hero, I was a friend; reaching out to someone I loved in the midst of her personal crisis in an attempt to help. I was ill-prepared for this day. By the next morning, I was unable to walk; I lost all control of myself and crashed hard. That day would forever change the course of my life.

This book has given me deeper insight, clarification and closure by re-visiting my old friend Tricia. Enabling me to come full circle in a deeper healing of these old wounds I thought had been laid to rest. I didn’t “go crazy” and I wasn’t “crazy”. It was not one stressor that catapulted me into that day of crisis. I was simply not prepared. I must have thought I was. I bit off more than I could chew. The day with Tricia itself was crazy, the details are since faded, and thanks to the intense Trauma Resolution Therapy and other professional assistance I recovered with great wisdom and a better understanding of myself. Dealing with PTSD is not a lifelong sentence; there is recovery and healing.

Frankly, I am thankful I don’t remember ALL the details of that special day shared with Tricia, I spent many years not talking about her, that day, and how it changed me. Maybe not sharing it fed my fears. Someone might wonder “why didn’t I just call 911”. I don’t know that answer and can’t live a life trying to. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t ignore the signs. I took action and yes, at great risk to my well being. However, I can’t change the event; I can’t change my reactions or how I coped with it or in some cases didn’t cope. What I can change is how I allow it to effect the rest of my life. Today’s clarification is the sunshine in my every tomorrow for I am going in the right direction.

I may not have known all the answers to my questions years ago. Just as Dr. Phil said, one day it just becomes easier to live again, to laugh, and to find healing and a new happiness. The grief process is different for us all. Over the years, I visited that day looking for insight, a better understanding. I knew a small part of me was stuck on that day or the days of my fear based poor choices that followed. I needed to revisit these events to take accountability and get closure; little did I know full closure would come now in the process of reading this book and blogging.

Let me put into perspective how my day with Tricia correlates to my fork in the road I face today. Before I do, let me assure you I am not in the midst of a crisis. Self awareness is important to me, so when I struggle with a thought or a feeling that I might not be in my “present life” I seek answers. Coming to terms with my kids not “needing or depending on me” as they have over the years I feel is a natural course parents face as the kids begin to transition themselves into their own adulthood. I’m comfortable with “letting my kids go”, it is however too quiet at times. It is what it is, quiet.

The closure I needed and found is with the fear based choices I made 17 years ago. I let go of the “control” I had over my two youngest children when they needed me and depended on me. I didn’t abandon them. Their father was divorcing me, his choice; he abandoned me and our family the year before that day with Tricia. I was already carrying the heavy burden of being the provider (our kids were 2 & 4, my older son was 8-from a previous marriage). I was working full time, taking college courses (my being a stay at home mom came with no monetary rewards, no lay off package and no retirement benefits, and absolutely no respect). I was living one day at a time, and on that day with Tricia I handled everything for her too.

The following day I snapped and broke. It’s no wonder. How much can one person take? I was 28 and carrying this burden. It was while I was in the hospital that “my real world issues” surfaced for me. I was playing wonder mom, doing it all, inevitably I would crash, and the writing was on the wall. Changes had to be made; accountability was not solely mine however I took it all on when Fred walked out. The harsh reality is at times we are faced with sacrifices and difficult decisions with no fast forward play to see how the consequences play out. Be careful not to get caught up in playing should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, if only and any other guessing games wishing for a re-play. These games will guilt and shame you into a dark hole. It’s a hard one to fight though. If you’ve been faced with this feeling, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If not, count your blessings. In either case, moving forward is necessary no matter how painful or time consuming. You owe it to yourself; the comfort in having peace is the gift you give yourself.

Fast forward, years passed, the pain eased, recovery occurred, healing happened and I have seen some awesome bright days since Tricia. Yet, the shame and guilt of being the non-custodial parent was a constant reminder of the wreckage from that day. I judged and convicted myself harsher than anyone. How could I turn my back on those little faces, them screaming don’t leave me, pulling and tugging at me as I put them in the arms of Fred’s mother… those few minutes are forever burned in me. I can’t ever take them back. I don’t believe I ever fully grieved that loss and sacrifice. Unless you’ve walked in these shoes, you will never know that feeling I had at that moment or how fear and guilt consumed me in my decision making going forward.

So here it is 17 years later, I must put the circumstances into perspective and effectively grieve the loss, forgive myself, find peace with those choices for which I can’t change and grow from the wisdom and begin to live free from the guilt and self inflicted shame. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I have no need to be defensive, and I made the best decisions I could in the best interest of my kids at that time. Knowing what I knew then, and with extremely educated professionals not clouded by my crisis, I resolved within myself, my kids needed their father to be consistently present and not when or if he happened to land himself in the kids nest for a brief stay or quick visit as he rarely did since his departure. On that day, I was sure of myself. No matter what I decided, our family was headed for a bumpy road.

I’m a firm believer that people are put in our lives for a “reason, season, or forever”. Tricia is one of those forever’s in my life. I don’t have ongoing contact with her. However, when I re-visited that day seeking resolution in my heart, I prayed she had found her own peace and survival. Little did I know, 16 years after that day God would place us in the same place, at the same time to find closure and comfort in each other’s arms again? On a Sunday afternoon in 2009 at a Cracker Barrel in Denton, more than an hour away from where we shared that dark day our paths crossed.

A friend and I were chatting and rocking before going our separate ways. A group a few rockers down had the same thought chatting and rocking. The door swung open, I heard a very familiar voice and laugh say “boy, I need a cigarette”. It couldn’t be I thought nor could it be Tricia. I turned, I looked, and suddenly my heart missed a beat or two. The 16 years had aged us both, but I was certain of myself. Tricia suffered with mental health issues, me approaching her at first she avoided me, she didn’t recognize me, so as I said “do you remember me”, Tricia burst at me in tears laughing and hugging. My friend with me had no clue what to think. As I wiped her rolling tears Tricia held my hand and said “thank you for saving my life”. We spent maybe 20 minutes catching up. It was when Tricia said to me “if you had not of saved my life, I wouldn’t have my son so thank you, really… thank you”. For me, this was priceless and forever etched in my heart tucked in the same place the worst moment of my life is to sooth that pain I suffer in “letting the kids go”. The day with Tricia 17 years ago was private and painful, I am sure my heavenly father felt it was time to reveal her to me finally after 16 years so that Tricia and I both could find hope, healing, and happiness, knowing that we survived. I am confident in that I am better for it. At last, I found peace!

Below I listed "The 7 Most Challenging Days" Dr. Phil writes about. I can't wait to finish the book. It’s far greater than my expectations. Brilliant work Dr. Phil! You are SO good… Consider picking a copy up, if not for yourself, a loved one.

• Loss – the day that you or someone you love has their heart shattered by death, divorce, or losing something of great value.
• Fear – the day that you realize you have lived your life as a sellout and that every choice you have made up until this point was dictated by other people’s expectations, not based on your own goals and desires.
• Adaptability Breakdown – the day that the pressures of balancing your responsibilities and needs, along with life’s demands, have become way too overwhelming, and you realize that you are in way over your head.
• Physical Health – the day that your body or that of someone you love breaks down because of illness, trauma, or disease.
• Mental Health – the day that the mind breaks down and betrays you or someone you love.
• Addiction – the day that addiction takes over, and you or your loved one look a powerful destroyer in the face and realize that you are not in control.
• Existential Crisis – the day that you or someone you love lose the purpose, compass, and connection to meaning in life and have no answer to the question “Why?”
  

Below is a link to the book on Amazon. I look forward to hearing your feedback on what you think about the book. Thank you all for traveling this road with me in discovering hope and healing! May you have peace in your heart! Good night and God Bless!